detailing my current life vibes.

(last updated 3/3/21)

media consumption

i think everyone has a stranger relationship with media consumption than they let on. we all tie in to stories n shows n books and stuff in different ways. these days i read more about "gaming news" than i actually play video games, i hardly ever watch tv shows, i watch movies a bit more... reigning supreme in my life are "manga" and the "let's play", which makes me feel like a right dork but also is very enjoyable.

i think i like manga because i have a personal attraction to comics as a medium, have written quite a bit of them myself, and enjoy reading something visual at my own pace. i am also someone with a very one-track mind, so i like that comics allows you to really focus in without sound, but not concentrate as hard as reading a book. why manga in particular? partly because i enjoy the fact that they release very regularly, so you can make a habit of checking in on them. also they are self-contained stories.

the let's play is like playing a game with a friend but letting them play so you don't have to concentrate very hard, and you can focus on the story or aesthetics of the game. i watch them a lot before bed and in downtime, and they're very relaxing. almost documentary in vibes. i've been watching the let's player "raocow" since i was like 12.

i believe you should consume whatever media you want, but i don't really believe in separating art from artist unless they have been removed from their creation, and then only sometimes. i believe media can be problematic and folks should consume responsibly. i believe video games can in fact desensitize you to violence and promote a violent culture, just as all media can.

right now i am watching a "longplay" (silent let's play) of Sam & Max: The Devil's Playhouse. I always forget that Sam & Max are good characters who are usually written quite well, and I do believe that they feel romantic love for one another.


(the below was written on 2/1/21)


been trying to work on music lately. running into a problem i have had my whole life where if i don't immediately finish something i will never finish it. i have (basically) never been able to write anything longer than a short story written in one sitting because when i return to something i left unfinished, it feels unchangeable. the same thing happens with music; i want to finish these old songs but i am really just like, unable to do so. i feel like the "spirit" in the song has shifted into the past, and present me isn't equipped to maintenance that spirit.

i want to finish one or two of these songs.


i have also been feeling very trapped lately in life. i am liking my job less and less, even though it's honestly a really good job and i get a lot of free time at work. that's also the problem, though; i feel like i'm wasting so much time at a place that (a) basically doesn't need me and (b) doesn't really affect the world in the ways i want to affect it.

i feel terrible that when i hire employees and manage them i am exposing them to other people and potentially passing covid around, too. i also feel like my boss, who used to be a lot more invested in work, has really checked out and had her own crisis of faith in regards to the job, and while that is completely valid and relatable it makes the job feel even more pointless than before.

at home, i don't get to see my partner (moldgold) except on the weekends, and sometimes not even then. i also wish i could drive to a city and go inside buildings. one of the last road trips i did before covid was driving around to the worst rated restaurants in northern missouri and trying the food. i miss being able to do shit like that. i want to go to an arcade and also go to a bowling alley. i want to go to a shitty smoker's bar and play keno.

i've just felt a little more annoyed than usual lately. i've also felt a little less "in charge" of my emotions. i want it to be spring.

now, i'll list the things i really like about my life.

-my partner

-my dog

-my friends, including my amazing sister

-my family

-me, generally

-some of my coworkers


-the ability to create art, even though i sometimes don't as often as i should

-the fact that i have a good relationship with my parents right now

-the fact that people still comment on my "top ten best wink sound effects" youtube video

-raocow's current lp of donkey kong 64

-PBS Spacetime even though i don't understand it half the time

-days when golden kamuy and dr stone chapters come out

-other stuff i'm forgetting

my dog

i love my dog a lot. he has a lot of anxiety. on february 11 he will be getting neutered.

he likes to lick hands and faces, and sometimes this is too much and sometimes it is nice. i wish i could take him outside more, and i should. but it'll be great when spring rolls around and i can take him outside and enjoy it.

this morning when we were about to go on a walk i thought about all the emotions he was feeling: excited, nervous, anxious, patient, impatient, uncomfortable, happy, surprised... a dog can feel a lot of things.

he and i comfort each other, i think.