journal

october 27, 2022

i go to an intern therapist who charges me less money than a normal therapist. well, now she's graduating and becoming Real Therapist. gonna have to look at my insurance to see if i can still afford to go... wacky situation. i think it'll work out okay?

also talked to my therapist recently about only going once a month (i've been going once every two weeks). weird to have that feel like "okay, i can take a step back from the therapy" but it does feel like i've worked through a few big things and am ready for that step. wildtimes.

about 1/5 of the way thru the power broker. just started reading george saunders' new book. went to see him talk with a. he's a good speaker. an interesting fella, funny how big a "short story celebrity" he is

october 26, 2022

this journal made me realize m and i have been watching hey arnold for more than a month, lol. i had never watched it as a kid and my review is: it's a good show with heart and style. still surprisingly enamored with it

ANYWAY i haven't been doing too much creatively except finished the "a moment" zine to print and we printed some. it'll be our fourth issue, pretty cool

working on making time to be creative. used to be i had lots more time in college and such and it would just happen. now i'm too busy and i have to /make/ time. but i think that's okay? just a new process.

october 19, 2022

about to fall asleep at work

playing a show with moldgold tonight

looking forward to when my job changes and i don't have to answer the phone at work any more. it's so draining, like if everyone you passed on the street wanted to have a 3 minute conversation with you

october 8, 2022

are words are so powerful that humans are constantly high off the fact they can communicate so well with each other

working a big ol' event here at the garden. one of those alien concepts where you pay to get into a market where you then spend more money. doesn't feel very midwest to me

life has been pretty good lately! good balance of stuff happening and stuff not happening.

september 27, 2022

looking for short story recs if anyone has any !

september 26, 2022

i love to doodle and draw little goofy lil folks

september 21, 2022

my job is so weird. the amount of energy in a nonprofit dedicated to making rich donors feel special is wild

september 20, 2022

@dori it is a long book! the power broker. replying to you now as i remember journaling is a thing ha ha. so far it has kept my interest, maybe because i have wikipedia brain or maybe because it's good. best of luck on the read

went on a long bike ride with my partner the other day and it was a lot of fun!

been feeling good about my life and the various components of it. completing tasks and Doing Things. trying to work on music!

been watching Hey Arnold

september 12, 2022

i am approximately 1/10th of the way through the power broker

went to a show last night and had a good time. in love with the "pre-mosh" duck bobbing head walk people do

september 11, 2022

just made the world's strongest coffee and also the worst coffee in the break room coffee machine

there's a new setup when i work the front desk at my job where i'm sitting like 15 feet away from my coworkers, it's weird

m and i finished watching neo yokio, convinced it's a pretty good show. alex you should watch it you would enjoy it i believe

feeling good about myself. wow! once again unsure about the purpose of life, but in a good way

august 21, 2022

everybody comes to the missouri botanical garden. seeing a maga hat live in the flesh for the first time in a while

reading the power broker

august 18, 2022

i've had two separate weezer songs stuck in my head so far today.

august 12, 2022

i am both happy and sad. i feel very connected to myself, but also a stranger to myself. i'm excited about the future, but not sure how to move in the present. i feel like i'm replacing my cells with new ones. i can barely tell what's going on but i'm determined to enjoy it.

july 24, 2022

it's me, the journal writer.

been big stressin the last few days. i think due to a number of factors, but also i feel like sometimes it just... happens, yknow. thankful to my partner for being supportive and my friends for being cool

at work, was stressing about working at the front desk but after getting here I realize it is Fine. but i drank too much coffee

finished The Great Ace Attorney yesterday. good game. started Justice For All last night, might just dive right in? might play the entire series? might

i think i just need to learn to take or feel... more responsible for the direction of my life. something like that

i've been thinking of really making an effort to get back into writing. like, i want to read more short stories for inspo and force myself to write again. i feel like i haven't really hardcore written anything for two years

july 14, 2022

i just keep on Livin It Up

july 9, 2022

got covid and couldnt go on my trip to seattle. big bummer!!!!

playing in a show monday, excited.

feeling Anxiety, fears of being disliked … probably my most common anxiety when ya get down to the core of it.

mere put a cat door in that goes out to our balcony and it’s really cute to see our cat use it

still playing ace attorney and reading blindsight by peter watts :0 the Great Ace Attorney right now to be specific

june 29, 2022

generally i am pretty bad at keeping a journal.

practicing keyboard to play in my partner's very cool band mold gold

about to go to seattle to see my "pa" and my stepmom and little brother, they are all cool

feelin like i am having a lot of emotions but also feel more comfortable these days riding "the wave of emotions", knowing i will be fine. i think therapy has helped with that. therapy is cool

feel like i am on the verge of a lot of things...

oh, and

1. i have been playing the ace attorney games and they're really good, i played some as a kid but i think they hold up in most respects

2. reading "blindsight" by peter watts. it's interesting so far!

june 5, 2022

time passes SO quickly.

had a fun time hanging out with my fam and also mere's mom yesterday. i went bowling and discovered i forgot how to bowl.

work has become a slog lately. my boss seems to have kinda lost control of what's going on.

june 2, 2022

jammed with friends last night, it was really fun

playing in a work softball game tonight against the st louis zoo. i don't really want to but i guess i will do it,,, anyway. it'll probably be fun

my mind is gel

may 30, 2022

at work.

my job is weird. definitely the best job i've had, but probably the most work i've ever done for a job.

here's all the jobs i've done:

1. "database tester" at wash u (we didnt really do anything)

2. "merchandiser" for a greenhouse

3. driver for pizza hut

4. ACT tutor at a tutoring company

5. non-barista at starbucks

6. Writing As Critical Thinking instructor during grad school

7. science summer camp teacher

8. "annual fund officer" at truman state

9. "membership supervisor" at the mo botanical garden

driving for pizza hut was fun; starbucks was probably the worst job.

may 29, 2022

time passes so fast.

i finished rereading 20th Century Boys. i want to reread Billy Bat but they never put it out in english and i don’t really wanna read it online

riding back home from my moms with mere, ~5 hour drive. my dog got to hang out with his brother and the other dogs, he had a good time

may 26, 2022

home today.

just went shopping and spent too much money.

trying to get back into making music as i have had a fairly long hiatus from getting anything done on that end. "trying" meaning i have thought about it but haven't actually done anything lol

but i AM doing a lot better on reading than i have been, which is cool

mere and i are probably going to my moms this weekend

may 24, 2022

worked long hours today.

haven't had a dream i remember in a while

reading the book "ringworld"

both my pets (yellow lab and tortoiseshell cat) are asleep in front of me

there's a guy who does "let's plays" online, who has a rather small following, who i have watched pretty much religiously since i was ~12. he uploads three youtube videos a day. he is french-canadian and has only once shown his face on camera

i went to a show last night. we talked to some friends about flounder at one point. we said it was cool

may 21 2022

the password i use for flounder has been compromised for like two years now but i keep using it places

working a festival at work but there's big rain so nothing is happening

i had a fun night walking around with mere yesterday

i had caffeine today after four(?) days without it. the goal is to stop drinking it enough that it works more powerfully on me a ha

may 20 2022

i finished my book. it was OK, one of those "classic slogs" that has a lot of interesting ideas but also feels extremely outdated (it was A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man). Now I'm reading 20th Century Boys again which is interesting as well. I feel like if I read Billy Bat again I would like it a lot better than I did the first time - like I understand Urasawa's writing style better and can appreciate it in a different way?

I have it in my head to read Eat Pray Love. I put it on hold at the library. I think it will help me understand something I don't understand, like... a mindset. liberalism?

may 15 2022

last night i saw a show. my wonderful partner moldgoldtwotwotwo played in it, as well as po mia, rat bath, and big step. they were all good and it was a fun time. i drank three beers which allowed me to vibe pretty good. today i suffer the consequences by being mildly annoyed slightly faster.

today is the start of my attempt to do two weeks without playing video games/too much social media. i have been trying to go one week on, one week off lately but i just did two weeks on so now i have to do two weeks off. which means my playthrough of ace attorney dual destinies is put on pause at the beginning of the fourth case but on the flip side i will Finish My Book.

may 14 2022

i woke up today and ate a peanut butter sandwich which i eat most mornings. i have lately been eating more jelly with my peanut butter. the jelly says "go texan" on the cap (bottle top? don't remember what that's called) EDIT: lid?. i don't know what "go texan" means. i'm afraid that if i constantly look things up/find things out i will spend all my time looking things up and no time experiencing the world, so i won't look up what "go texan" means.

looking things up = learning = control, which has pros and cons. my dog knows nothing and is happy. we won't ever know /everything/, which means we basically know nothing, so we're predisposed to be happy too. sadness comes from expecting you do or will eventually know everything. maybe?

now i'm at work!